Having written an essay for Hoshi about my submission at his feet, I started thinking about just what I'm really submitting to. After all, it consists of only doing those things that I already enjoy doing. So who really has control? Here's my take on the subject.
In my experience within the fandom, I've found that I much prefer taking a submissive role. As my recent essay for Hoshi suggests, I can quite get into such a position as well. But, perhaps paradoxically, one can be dominant in a submissive role. Ultimately, the "submissive" partner is the person who dictates what will or won't be done, decides the limits on those activity, and has the final word on when enough is enough.
When I am submitting to another fur, I already have a good idea of what I'm getting myself into. While I do have a rather open mind when it comes to things, I also wouldn't take a submissive role with another fur whose interests and mine didn't match. I do the things that a dominant partner orders not simply because it's their order, but also because I want to do those things. I want to be forced into doing those things that I like doing anyway. While the reasons for that are varied and complicated, it can be simply summed in one word: arousal. I – and, in my experience, most other submissives – are aroused by being "forced" into doing those activities that they would enjoy anyway. Likewise, when assuming a submissive position, there's nothing that will force me to do something that I truly do not want to do. In my case, there aren't that many things that I won't do, but nobody would ever talk me into doing them. While a dominant fur would always like to think that they are making the submissive do anything and everything, it's up to the sub to decide what won't happen.
Even with the activities that both the dom and sub can mutually enjoy, it's the submissive's decision to decide to what extent he will submit. For example, while I greatly enjoy being beneath a set of dirty paws, I don't like paws that are completely neglected and would refuse to submit under those conditions. Likewise, a crush fetishist that prefers being crushed with a single step may refuse to allow a dominant fur to crush them bit by bit and drawing out their brief desire into a lengthy ordeal. Another fur may prefer the extreme behavior – completely neglected paws or to be crushed one bone at a time – and refuse to submit to anything less than that. Every person will have their own unique limits, and a dominant has to respect those limits.
While all these things can and should be discussed in advance to prevent a conflict of interests, it still is up to the submissive, who has the ultimate power with one, simple word: no. Even in the most extreme scenario, of complete submission to another, the submissive always has the power to say no and simply stop things dead in their tracks. This is especially true online, where the sub can sign off if the dominant partner won't take "no" seriously; in real life it would require more careful planning, but the result is still the same. If a dominant's demands are unreasonable, or the dom won't respect the submissive's desires or limits, the sub can simply walk away.
Thus, in matters of dominance and submission, it's the seemingly submissive partner who ultimately dictates the manner of playing involved, the limits, and their end. In this way, one actually has dominance through submission.
