Having written an essay for Hoshi about my submission at his feet, I started thinking about just what I'm really submitting to. After all, it consists of only doing those things that I already enjoy doing. So who really has control? Here's my take on the subject.
In my experience within the fandom, I've found that I much prefer taking a submissive role. As my recent essay for Hoshi suggests, I can quite get into such a position as well. But, perhaps paradoxically, one can be dominant in a submissive role. Ultimately, the "submissive" partner is the person who dictates what will or won't be done, decides the limits on those activity, and has the final word on when enough is enough.
When I am submitting to another fur, I already have a good idea of what I'm getting myself into. While I do have a rather open mind when it comes to things, I also wouldn't take a submissive role with another fur whose interests and mine didn't match. I do the things that a dominant partner orders not simply because it's their order, but also because I want to do those things. I want to be forced into doing those things that I like doing anyway. While the reasons for that are varied and complicated, it can be simply summed in one word: arousal. I – and, in my experience, most other submissives – are aroused by being "forced" into doing those activities that they would enjoy anyway. Likewise, when assuming a submissive position, there's nothing that will force me to do something that I truly do not want to do. In my case, there aren't that many things that I won't do, but nobody would ever talk me into doing them. While a dominant fur would always like to think that they are making the submissive do anything and everything, it's up to the sub to decide what won't happen.
Even with the activities that both the dom and sub can mutually enjoy, it's the submissive's decision to decide to what extent he will submit. For example, while I greatly enjoy being beneath a set of dirty paws, I don't like paws that are completely neglected and would refuse to submit under those conditions. Likewise, a crush fetishist that prefers being crushed with a single step may refuse to allow a dominant fur to crush them bit by bit and drawing out their brief desire into a lengthy ordeal. Another fur may prefer the extreme behavior – completely neglected paws or to be crushed one bone at a time – and refuse to submit to anything less than that. Every person will have their own unique limits, and a dominant has to respect those limits.
While all these things can and should be discussed in advance to prevent a conflict of interests, it still is up to the submissive, who has the ultimate power with one, simple word: no. Even in the most extreme scenario, of complete submission to another, the submissive always has the power to say no and simply stop things dead in their tracks. This is especially true online, where the sub can sign off if the dominant partner won't take "no" seriously; in real life it would require more careful planning, but the result is still the same. If a dominant's demands are unreasonable, or the dom won't respect the submissive's desires or limits, the sub can simply walk away.
Thus, in matters of dominance and submission, it's the seemingly submissive partner who ultimately dictates the manner of playing involved, the limits, and their end. In this way, one actually has dominance through submission.
(this is Pentalis posting here)
ReplyDeleteI bumped to your blog "accidentally", but I was looking for you.
What you describe here is something that always made feel uneasy about playing the dominant role some time ago. People would literally tell me what to do, making the whole scene look like it was someone commanding me to command them to do something.
In the end I quit roleplaying with people like that; those who, as you put it, "dominate through submission".
What you are missing here is that both players have the same ability to say "no" and ruin the fun of each other. Who dominates the scene is not exactly the person playing the dominator's role. It's not about the characters. If you want to talk about the actual act of domination, that depends on the players, not the characters being played.
Having said all that, what I personally do now is when someone wants me to play "dominant", I first check if we have interests in common, and warn them that I'm most likely going to do whatever I want to do (if I accept to roleplay at all). And if they say "no", so be it: not my problem, they were the ones asking.
Playing the "dominant" role exhausts me when I find whimsical "submissives" who are simply trying to use me as their puppet. To them I say "look for another puppet". Thus achieving "dominance through actually playing my role".
Just my 2 cents.
Hey there!
ReplyDeleteWell I have to say the subject is an interesting one. It's generally considered that the submissive has the power. Especially so in on-line role-play (Because there you literally can just log off.) as in RL, you can't just log off you are tied to a chair and saying "no" might not work. (Which is why BDSM requires a lot of TRUST to exist in the relationship).
Being dominent though a person needs to definitely have the same likes in their "Dominence" that you like being dominated in or you'd both end up unhappy. Sort of like "Soulice Pentalis" said above here in commenting.
But yes, the submissive has the control in such situations. Though that's kind of the fun, and kind of not to. Now often times the submissive is made to do things that others might balk at from a pride standpoint (Wearing collar and leash and the like or, well, who knows what else). Just as a submissive, don't be to dominent to your dominent.
Of course, some people are dominent because they love to please most of all and so they may be dominent, but are really submissives in the dominent role. The "pleaser" to me has nearly always been the top, who is giving the pleasure to the other (And hopefully in turn getting something out of it themself.) It's partly why I love to use all my abilities to get someone off, leaving them as a bottom before me even though I'm all about pleasing them.
Is that submissive, or dominent?
A matter of posistion is all...
Even though sometimes I just want to be on the bottom, letting someone else do all the work, hehe.
~Allon